


this night has opened my eyes

by strobelights



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Miscommunication, POV Alternating, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), bucky puts steve on a pedestal, steve doesn't know how to communicate his feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-29
Updated: 2017-11-29
Packaged: 2019-02-08 11:55:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,723
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12863991
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/strobelights/pseuds/strobelights
Summary: He isn’t exactly surprised that Steve doesn’t want anything to do with him. If he were Steve, he’d probably have given up a long time ago. It’s just hard to deal with sometimes, when the only person he’s got left in the world, the only person he loves, doesn’t seem to want him around anymore.





	this night has opened my eyes

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't been in the fandom for quite a few months so excuse any errors. I'm also not writer, but my friend and I were discussing Steve's behaviour in Civil War and this idea wouldn't leave me alone. In case it isn't clear, Bucky decided not to go into cryo and is hiding out with Steve and Sam in Wakanda.
> 
> The title is taken from the song of the same name by the Smiths. Kudos and comments are appreciated!

Bucky cuts his hair. Despite what Sam thinks, it isn’t because of the persistent Jesus Christ lookalike jokes he throws Bucky’s way. He does it because it’s way too hot for it in Wakanda and he’s trying his hardest to be the man Steve knew. The man that Steve loved once upon a time. He wants to be someone Steve could love again.

The thing is, Bucky knows cutting his hair won’t magically fix his relationship with Steve. It won’t magically fix himself. But he wants to be Bucky Barnes again, the man who was worthy of being loved by Steve Rogers and loving him back like he deserved. Hydra took a lot from him but they couldn’t take that, no matter how hard they tried.

Sam’s the first one to notice. Or, rather, the first one to gape while Bucky just shrugs in response. “I wanted a change.”

“And a change is certainly what you got. Damn, if I’d have known you looked like that under that Jesus Christ persona I would’ve cut that mop off myself.” Now Sam finds him attractive. Bucky can’t tell if that’s a good or bad thing. 

Bucky is too busy trying to dodge Sam’s attempts to “feel the goods” to notice Steve’s reaction. It’s not until he hears the sharp scrape of a chair being pulled back that he looks over. “It looks good, Buck. Really good,” Steve manages, before he makes a hasty exit with his shoulders slumped. Bucky just sighs.

He’s isn’t exactly surprised that Steve doesn’t want anything to do with him. If he were Steve, he’d have probably given up long ago. It’s just hard to deal with sometimes, when the only person he’s got left in the world, the only person he loves, doesn’t seem to want him around anymore.

Bucky’s happy that even after all those years Steve spent alone in a new world without his best friend, he’d gotten on with things. Made new, better friends. Friends who hadn’t spent the best part of a century killing people. He’d even met a nice white-picket fence sort of girl. (Bucky shouldn’t have been surprised she was another Carter, but it still left a bitter taste in his mouth.) He just wishes he could be part of it, so he’s trying his damned hardest to be let in.  
-  
Steve’s never been more grateful for anything in his life than he is when he gets Bucky back. From the moment Bucky fell, it had felt like there was nothing left for him in the world. His Bucky, his best friend had gone and left him alone. It had been a relief when he crashed the plane. Steve’s just surprised he lasted that long without him.

-

Finding Bucky in Bucharest had been brought him both relief and pain. Seeing Bucky in the flesh, knowing he was still alive had lifted a weight off his chest but the weight on his shoulders persisted. It was hard to reconcile this new Bucky with the one he’d left behind in the ‘40s. Even the contrast in appearance was striking. His Buck always kept himself tidy, resorting to his knife when he hair got too long in the trenches. This Bucky looked like he’s never even heard of scissors. It’s not a bad thing, Steve supposes. This century has exposed him to such a different bunch of people - it’s okay for men to go with men, women with women. There’s even more than just men and women now. It’s just taking him some time to get used to seeing this century on Bucky.

When he kisses Sharon, he does it to prove something. He does it pointedly in front of Bucky. He hasn’t spoken to him much since Bucharest. Being arrested and having Tony on his back has allowed Steve to avoid that dreaded conversation about what Bucky remembers. He’s almost certain that he doesn’t remember them. Even if he does remember that kiss, that first and final kiss, he’s not going to want Steve anymore. So he kisses Sharon to pretend like he doesn’t want them. When Bucky claps him on the back after, he pretends like he feels relief.

-  
Steve knows he looked like an idiot when he walked out of the kitchen, but it was just too much to see Bucky looking like he’d just stepped out of the ‘40s in his kitchen, minus his left arm. When Bucky glanced at him it had been like he was transported directly back to 1939, exactly like the mornings when he tried to make both of them breakfast while Bucky watched on. 

He hears footsteps approaching his room, recognising them as Sam’s. He enters without knocking, instead forcefully pushing in and giving what Steve would assume is a death glare.

“Are you fucking serious, Steve?” Sam asks, frustrated. He’s tired of these idiotic white boys not communicating with each other. He’s in Wakanda of all places and he wants to enjoy it, but he can’t when the people he’s with can barely look at each other. 

Sam almost feels bad when he sees Steve’s face. Almost. 

“I don’t know what to do, Sam.” Sam sits down next to him on the bed and pats his back. Steve loves affection but rarely initiates it, so Sam decides to be extra nice to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.

“You need to talk to him. It’s unfair on both of you, but especially him. He’s trying his best,” Sam encourages. He’d love the pair of them to get along, if only for selfish reasons. He just needs some stress-free time, which is a big enough thing to ask for when he’s a fugitive. It would help if Steve could actually tell someone other than Sam how he’s feeling.

“I don’t know how. I feel like I’m talking to a stranger who has Bucky’s face.”

“He practically is a stranger. The last time you had a proper conversation with him was over 70 years ago. But there’s nothing to stop you getting to know him again.” Steve sighs at that, so Sam marches out of the room to find Bucky, ignoring Steve’s futile shouts He finds him laying sideways on the couch, watching Downton Abbey of all things, so he doesn’t feel bad for pulling Bucky away. Dragging a heavy supersoldier isn’t easy but Sam’s had plenty of practice. He pushes the door open, shoves Bucky inside, and hurries back to the television so he can relish in the alone time he so rarely gets.  
-  
Steve glances up at him before turning his head away faster than Bucky can blink. Bucky sighs heavily and takes Sam’s place on the bed. 

“When I said I remembered everything, I meant it,” Bucky offers. He guessed that Steve’s been agonising about that, whether Bucky remembered their kiss or not. It’s not hard to figure him out, even after all this time. He knows Steve only wants friendship from him, which is reasonable. It’s more than Bucky could hope for, so he’s going to try and repair what’s left while the opportunity is there.

“That night... when we kissed. I know you didn’t mean that and it’s fine. But you don’t need to avoid me because of it. I’m not gonna hold you to anything when it’s not what you want.” It hurts Bucky to say it, but he’d take a tentative friendship with Steve over whatever they are now. 

“You think I don’t want this?” Steve asks after a moment, incredulous. “Bucky, it’s all I’ve wanted since 1936.” 

He wasn’t lying. He remembers the exact moment he realised how he felt about Bucky. They were laying in Prospect Park, the sun beating down on them. Bucky had had an arm strewn across his eyes and a look of tranquility on his face. When Bucky smiled over at him, Steve realised what he wanted his future to look like. It was Bucky, laying beside him, looking at him with such fondness that Steve felt like his heart was full. Steve knew the feeling had nothing to do with his heart condition.

“Well, you sure as hell haven’t acted like it. Not that I blame you. Who in their right mind would want this?” Bucky glanced down at his body, a litter of scars and mutilation. 

“Didn’t you hear what I just said, you jerk? I said you’re all I’ve wanted since 1936. That hasn’t changed and it never will.” Bucky’s looking down at his hands so Steve takes them into his. “I mean it. I love you. Still. Always.”

It’s only then that Bucky looks at him like he hasn’t done for years. His eyes flicker down to Steve’s lips which is all the invitation Steve needs. Placing a gentle hand on Bucky’s neck, he fits their mouths together. Their lips move together for a moment before Bucky pulls away.

“What about Carter? Seems like just yesterday you are her were doing this, right in front of me.” It’s a good point. Steve removes his hand from Bucky’s neck but keep a tight grip on his hand. 

“I’m sorry about that. I figured you didn’t want me anymore and I didn’t want you to feel an obligation. Thought it’d be easier if I tried to move on.” Steve risks a glance at Bucky who suddenly grabs his head.

“I know you’ve always been an idiot but you’ve taken it to a whole new level, punk. You’ve never been an obligation to me. God, look at the pair of us. Sam should lock us in a room more often,” Bucky laughs, knocking their foreheads together. “He definitely should,” Steve agrees. “I can think of a few things we could get up to.”  
  
“How about you show me then?” Bucky asks suggestively, earning a laugh from Steve. He’s quickly shut up when Steve kisses him softly, before pushing him down on the bed.

“I certainly intend to, jerk.”  
-  
When they manage to untangle themselves from one another the next morning and make it to the kitchen, Sam’s smirking into his breakfast knowingly. Bucky slaps him playfully in the back of the head before he mutters a soft _Thanks_ and then steals a slice of toast. He ignores Sam’s indignant squawk in exchange for sharing a bashful smile with Steve.

Sam regrets interfering already.


End file.
